beginning to an end.

easter. im sitting in a new church. listening to the music. trying to feel something. trying to connect. to love. to devote. we watch testimonials from people who where troubled and found God. a man talks about how he was done trying. done living. something had died in him and he couldn't go on anymore. tears well up in my eyes. he said he had written his letters. he was on his way to commit suicide when a traffic cop directed him into the parking lot of Church of the Highlands. he went in and found the support he needed. and decided to start living again. 


lost. i ride my bike aimlessly through auburn in the night wondering what i am doing with me life. so confused. so lost. i sit on a bench, looking up at the stars pondering my purpose in life. i walk down the halls with tunnel vision. not noticing a thing around me. i cry myself to sleep wishing someone, something would save me. 


fill. i have never in my life felt good enough. i have never accomplished anything great. i honestly i am just so disappointed with myself. with my life. i am getting uglier every day. i am not doing as well in college as i did in high school. i have hardly any friends that care about me in the least bit. there is no guy that would look twice at me. im worthless. im unfulfilled. i want to mean something. i want to make a difference. i want people to miss me when i am not there. i want to love myself. to find my place. 


end.

earth day. birthday.

yes. today is EARTH day plus my BIRTH day. that's right i am one year older. 19 to be exact. i anticipate my birthday all year round. i get so pumped. im making countdown calendars and thinking about what kind of cake i want. 

sadly i am always disappointed though. i unrealistically expecting so much out of the day. like everything going smoothly. people remembering and wishing me a good day. 

a lot of people dont really care about their birthday, which i can never understand. who wouldnt want to celebrate the day they came onto this earth and started living. its funny i just realized i can to this earth and started living on earth day. crazy. 

so yes this year i was planning on finally visiting my good friend in ttown who i have meaning to visit all year. then on the way i was going to visit my bestie back home and see my dad on the way back to school. then oh course everyone went home for the Easter holiday so nothing was going on in ttown and my lover back home was grounded. then i realized i really did not want to spend tons of money on gas and drive three hours on my bday for it not turning out so great. so i decide not to go. i was glad to know though that the friend here would be in town and i can spend my day with her before she moves back home. come to find out she is leaving friday morning for the whole weekend. cool.

wake up this morning. feeling a little gloomy. my bestie here comes in my room and asks to use my phone. doesnt even say happy birthday to me. nothing at all. out of all people i thought she would say something.

go to take a math test. my beautiful friend had brought me a pastry from starbucks and the sweetest card. i couldnt believe it. i was so happy. plus i got a few texts throughout the day from people wishing me happy birthday. even people i would never think would remember. makes my heart warm that they thought about me. i think in life that is all i really want. to be thought of. to be accepted. loved. cherished. 

things might have not turned out the way i planned. but i got to spend a great day with my mom and i realized how many people care enough to wish me a good day. and there is nothing better than that. i couldnt be more grateful for them.

storm.

oh how i love big thunderstorms

the whole sky lights up for a few moments

the rain sprinkles and taps upon my window

the wind whooshes and howls

the thunder pierces through me heart

thunderstorms always remind me of being a child

summer nights when heat lightning struck

and cracked through the sky

my uncle larry was over, we sat in lawn chairs

with the garage door wide open

the sky, our movie screen

counting the seconds the bullets lit up the sky 

to tell how far away they were from us

summer days  

all alone

rain pouring down

windows wide open

humidity in the air

still, calm

the rain makes most people sad, dreary, tired 

it is beautiful to me

like angels crying, the world is cleansed

i feel the droplet of water, falling on my skin 

 i stand, head tilted upward, arms outstretched

rejuvenating, majestic, spiritual, lovely

time.

i remember that time that mom and i came home from dinner. you were drunk. you tried to take apart the t.v. in your boxers. eventually ending up on bed naked. mom was so sick of dealing with you. she told you to get out of the house in the morning and check yourself into a clinic. i was hiding in my bathroom. you notice me. you tell her not to say that in front of me. like i was oblivious to the situation. 

i follow mom to the kitchen. i knew she was fed up with it all. just as much as me. more even. she was broken. i had never seen her so defeated. i wrapped by arms around her. she cried into my shoulder.   

i remember the time that you were about to get another back surgery. you were nervous about another operation. you spent the night at the bar. two men followed you home and placed you on our couch. i held your arm as you stumbled down the hall. knocking into the door frame. making your way to the bathroom where you threw up. 

i remember the time when you were trying to drink Gatorade with the cap still on. probably the funniest thing but pretty pathetic. 

i remember finding the photo of me at pre-school graduation. i was crying. you were kneeled down next to me. i could see in your face you were drunk. it was never hard to tell. 

i remember the time you screamed in my face. as you backed me into a corner. the time you stumbled through the house drunk. the time you made me listen to you go on and on with the same things that you repeat all the time. 

i remember crying to GOD for help. praying that you would stop. 

i remember...

cry.

so i have not cried in a really long time. most people would assume that is a good thing. but honestly i like to cry. it is good for you. there were times when it was part of my daily routine. (i know i am nuts).

i have been thinking about this lately. and all i want is a good cry. thinking about this brings up a lot of rough memories though. so many images in my head of being curled up in the fetal position on my floor crying to GOD for help. i just wanted to pain to go away. i needed STRENGTH. i still need strength. it hurts me to think of myself that vulnerable. that low. beaten up by the world.

today i was suppose to find out if i got the residential advisor position on campus. my friend texted me to check my email. she ended up being an alternate. the whole way home i was terrified to check my email. i was praying every second that i would get it. i especially didnt want to be an alternate. that is like a guys saying i guess you are ok. maybe ill date you if there is no one else. that is worse than just not getting it. 

so i am sitting on my air mattress in my old room. nervously fiddling around avoiding checking my messages. eventually i sign in and open up the mail. i carefully read EVERY word that is in the message so i didnt make a mistake. i got the job! i had never been more excited. i started crying. i called up my mum. "i said guess what?" she kept breaking up so i called again. when i finally get her she said "you got it didnt you? i could tell something was up since you were crying." she was so excited for me. i talked about this job for so long. too long. she knew how much this meant for me. it is not just a job position. it is an opportunity. a grace of God pleasing me with something worthwhile. something that was amazing. i know she was PROUD of me. 

free fallin.

am i defined by people?

i was at starbucks tonight. indulging on a coffee and pastry like a true italian that i wish i were. sitting in the bare room on the cozy chair i got to thinking. do i let people define who i am?

at first i thought. yeah man i think i totally do. i act differently around different people. i will say or not say certain things around different groups of people. 

then on the other hand. i thought. there are so many times when i have no one. periods where i am wondering alone in this world. trying to get by. when i do not talk to a soul. who am i then? i am still me. am to my fullest potential? possible not. i am acting me though. there is no way i could not be. 

i am more vulnerable when i am alone. i am consumed only with my thoughts. my feelings. i over analyze ever possible thing. i plan my future with every detail and get so bummed when things do not turned out as planned. 

i am always setting expectations of plans. of people. i think that someone will think something regardless of proof. i plan things to go a certain way even thought i know how unrealistic it is. 

i act as though i am so carefree. but really i stress myself out planning. scheduling. i wish i could free my mind. not think so much. not care so much. 

letter.

so this is embarrassing. 

but bold. 

i'll give this to you.

then hide.

so i am also a coward. 

regardless.

i am going to regret this.

but i am doing it anyways.

i  think i like you.

i know i like you. 

i just met you.

but you consume my thoughts. 

often.

difficult since i figure.

things aren't the same for you. 

and i still have to see you.

every other day. 

plus tons of events. 

all the time. 

but i rather be honest. 

maybe i wont give this to you.

after all. 

dream.

honestly, i never use to dream about you. now that things are finally over between us. you are all i can dream about.

goal.

so today i had my first meeting for mariners. this is the hostess for the marines and navy rotc on campus. all the girls seem so sweet and down to earth. im excited because we have a team for the relay for life coming up in april. i remember going to them ever year when living in wisconsin so im happy to do it again. 

after the meeting we all went to a bbq restaurant for a fundraiser. later i was waiting in the student center for a friend when these two people came up to me. the girl commented on my headband. i thought that was the end of it but then she invited me to a bible study they were having. i thought, why not? everyone there was so nice and they had a good vibe about them. we talked about how much time we spend taking showers, getting ready, brushing our teeth. i think it is funny since i use to spend over and hour getting ready in the morning. i would straighten and/or curl my hair. put on a layer of makeup (because i was so self-conscious from all my acne). i even went to the tanning bed almost EVERY day. it was awful. nowadays i send like ten minutes getting ready. i look like crap. but i dont care anymore. 

anyways so we were talking about how we care so much about our outer appearance but we dont care as much about our inner. most of us dont focus on whats going on in our hearts. or others. i know i dont care so much about my outer appearance anymore but i still need work on my inner. i know what i want though. its just making it happen. i wish that i was more accepting of others. there are times that i find myself judging others when i really only barely know them or what they are about. i wish i knew more about the bible. i want to be closer to God. i want to pray more. thank more. appreciate more. love more. 

starting tomorrow i am going to be a healthier person. end of excuses. i have been eating so unhealthy the past week or so. i feel awful. i am going to only eat raw fruits and veggies. cereal. water. no more starbucks. no more pizza. i am writing this in this blog so that i will stick to it! 

i also am going to start not cussing. i have the worst mouth. i cant help it. i feel awful after i saw it. i dont think it is attractive. and i need to stop no because one day i want to be a teacher and i cant have this awful habit. 

i am going to pray more. appreciate more. love more. live more. i am doing this for me. i need to stop giving into temptations. i know i can do this.  i have faith.

salvation.

salvation. deliverance from sin and its consequences, believed by Christians to be sought about by faith in Christ.

so today was the best day ever. salvation army had its bag sale! yep everything that you can fit in a bad for five dollars. i woke up at 8:30 and was one of the few up right after it opened at 9. i got tons of new tshirts to trade in with my old ones. a few awesome books. a matching yellow vintage suitcase set (that was actually kept us nice and didn't smell like an old man inside). a new purse. a couple SUPER RAD sweaters (so sad it finally decided to get warm cuz now i can't really wear them). and some neat gaucho pants that i turned into a skirt. somehow all this ended up being a grand total of twelve bucks. oh yeah salvation army is the shizzz. 

now the super sad part. i had actually gone to salvation army the night before but when i heard about the five buck bag sale i decided to come back. i found this super awesome mexican fabric though so i sneakily hide it so i could get it in the morning. luckily my sly plan worked and it was still there the next day. so i was trying on my finds and i had left the fabric and my sunglasses in my cart. when i get out someone had stolen them and my cart! i deserve it for leaving my stuff but i guess i just trust people. i wouldn't think someone would really do that. in the end i did find some cool glasses there to replace them. still very bummed i missed out on the fabric though. 

in other news. i got big blue bagel. my fav! saw the unknown with my mum. shopped. shared red velvet cake and coffee. got flowers from my sweet mum. so beautiful. did the dishes. took out the trash. now blogging about it all. 

beautiful day. people. the end.   

fate.

so after a rough start to the week things eventually turned around. on wednesday my darling lab partner katherine and i got to chatting after class. she is a mission kid (i've been meeting a lot of them lately). we talked about how it's tough getting your feet wet on the plains. how tie dying is the shizz. and housing plans for next year. i can already tell she is going to be a great friend. i love that out of all the people in lab, she sat by me. 

our eao potluck was on thursday. they was lots of yummy food and great people. earthfest is coming up and i am so excited about getting started with sign and art for the show. i am glad to have such a chill group that make you feel right at home. 

friday i was waiting outside of my math class and this chick sits on the floor across from me. now this chick isn't just some random girl. she was in my cwe session and she knows the wolnski, which honestly who doesn't? anywho. i have been wanted to introduce myself to her for a while now but i feel like too much of a creeper to do that so i just put it in God's hand knowing if it is suppose to happen it will. ok. so she sits down and say "hey weren't you in that summer thing with me." now who would have thought the day after i put this all in God's hands it actually happens. so we get to class and happily it was cancelled, sadly because my teacher is sick. emily and i decide to go to starbucks and chat it up.

now knowing me i can't keep any secrets from strangers. so i spill my guts out and, OH COURSE, end up crying. poor girl probably thinks i belong in the looney bin. but there is something about it all. i know it is silly but i can tell it is fate. although i have been struggling to hang it there every day God is bringing me support. help. friendship. i am so grateful for this. i can defiantly need all of it that i can take. 

oh and we saw joseph. who i have actually never seen on campus before. crazy. AND i went to salvation army and my mum was there. i mean seriously. what are the chances of that?? 

God sure does work in mysterious ways. 

fairytale.

once upon a time there lived a little girl named perfect. she had a father named giant and a mother named chameleon. they expected nothing less then the best from her. but all in all they loved her as best they could.

one day perfect did something wrong. she felt totally, utterly ashamed. she wanted to run away and kill herself. she decided she could not kill herself because that would kill her mum. so she decided to live.

she ran deep into the forest. until she could run no more. she sat down in the grass and cried. she cried until she could cry no more. giants did not cry. giants were strong. but she was not strong. all she ever felt was weak. 

in through the forest a human being walks up to perfect. he asks what is wrong. she was ashamed of her weakened appearance and shunned away from human. she could feel her weakness and could feel a tail growing where none had been before. she noticed that she was starting to change colors. she tells human that she cannot be seen like this. human  tells perfect that she looks fine just the way she is. perfect was awestricken as she had never been told she was fine just the way she was. 

human tells perfect to look at herself in the pond. perfect is stunned to see a human in the reflection. she had always thought she was a giant. human tells perfect that the pond of clarity shows you as you are. 

~no one is perfect. we are all human. we all make mistakes. we should not be so hard on ourselves all the time. learn. live. grow. ~

shame.

i hear myself saying constantly that i am disappointed with my life. i hate the way i look. i hate what i am doing with my life. i don't have a cute loving family. i suck at school. relationship. friendships. i need to stop being disappointed and moppy and just do something about it. 

it is easy just to say this. it is another thing to accomplish it. one can't just say okay i am going to be happy tomorrow. i am going to wake up and look great. say the right thing to everyone. do the right things. feel great in my own skin and love life. 

i have to hold myself accountable for my actions. or lack of them. if i think my life sucks i need to do whatever i can to make it better. i need to take control. i want to be able to love my life and what i am doing. i want to love me and others. as karly would say no one can love you until you love yourself. kind of lame but it really is true. i just pray that i can find that love. that happiness. that bliss. i need to or else what is the point?

Attmept.

karly and i got into a discussion which brings up the question of the day: is it selfish and wrong for one to commit suicide? obviously many would simply say yes. it hurts only the friends and family of the victim. but how much hurt was the victim going through. sometimes it is hard to go through everyday hating yourself, your life, everything. there are times when one can no longer try and think positive and the pain to too much to bear. death is easy. it is a cop-out. when that pain is too much sometimes people take the easy. maybe the only road they see ahead of them. but if/when people are able to overcome that hurt and take a different road, that is triumph. one has to be able to decide overcome. to live. to love. 


as someone wise once told me that you need to take it one day at a time. decide you are going to love one thing about yourself. say you write really good 'w's  then you make those 'w's look damn good every chance you get. 


i am not a good writer and i know no one reads my blogs. but this is for me. i am going to write my heart out. this blog is my outlet. this blog is my attempt to find happiness. to find a meaning to life. to find sobriety from pain.


my second and more active attempt was for karly to do our hair big, our makeup crazy and our outfits radical. we then went out and did our own photo shoot under the cold night's sky. 


it is nice having creative outlets. it is a start at the very least. 

heartbreak warfare.

Despair: the complete loss or absence of hope.


Saturday. i was finally through waiting around for the man i love to love me back. My friends didn't need to tell me anymore times that i deserved better. i knew it myself. all i have ever wanted is to be wanted. just like the old cheesy song: i want you to want me; i need you to need me. plain and simple. 


Sunday. excited to see my dad who was in town. thought for a moment how nice it is to be on good terms with him. let myself believe this ridiculous thought. got torn down by him once again. surprised? no. leave without words. cried my way home. to sleep.


Monday. planned on acknowledging the holiday. decided against it when i woke up. looked rather rough but got through the day no harm or foul. bought chips and queso at the dinning hall. woman ran after me with a box of chocolates...guess i looked as depressed as i felt. 

Found.

I was wondering through notes that people have found on this website and I stumbled upon this one. It said in the caption underneath "I think everyone feels this way at least once in his life." So true. 

Love.

It is a warm summer day in July 2oo7. My mom and I were on our way home after a long afternoon of volunteering at the animal shelter. My mom’s phone rings as we sit at the stoplight waiting to turn. My phone rings next. It is my neighbor’s daughter, Jillian. “Did you hear the news yet?” I had no idea what she was talking about. I realized then that my mom was on the phone with her mom. Jillian hesitates. “I will let your mom tell you,” she says. My heart starts to race and my palms begin to sweat like before getting a shot. I know something is very wrong. I begin to panic and ask Jillian to just tell me what is going on. I look at my mom. “You have got to be kidding me,” she says into the phone. She looks at me and tells me my dad has been in an accident. We turn the car around. Ironically it happened a block away from the interstate exit we just got off at. No wonder traffic was so bad. As we drive in silence down the road I begin to see the flashing lights and the stopped traffic. My dad’s van comes in clear view. The driver’s side completely crashed in. It was t-boned around a telephone pole. My mom rushes out of the car and across the street to the ambulances. I stand there outside of the car staring, baffled at the scene in front of me. It was like watching a scene from a movie. I was speechless, stuck in my tracks unable to move or think. I watched as cars drove past the wreck, pass me. I stared at the people in those cars thinking about how I too was just like them, going through my day nothing out of the ordinary. Now here I am.

My father and I have never been close. Both my parents are in the Army and when I was young my dad would frequently be away on business, so often that I did not recognize him when he returned. Naturally I gravitated toward my mom and to this day it is still that way. As I grew up I watched as the bottles of beer and boxes of wine disappeared from the refrigerator. Children are observant and I knew that my dad drank but I never labeled him as an alcoholic. My parents never fought or hit each other so I did not think anything was really wrong. My mom and I would have little jokes or comments about my dad when he was drunk like on television shows when someone would pretend to hold a glass and drink from it. As awful as it is to admit we would say “cha ching” referencing to if he dies from all his drinking we would get a lot of money from insurance. I have always hated not having people understand what it is like not having any respect for my dad who is suppose to be my role model. I was sick of making excuses for myself. While other kids were making wishes on their birthdays for ponies and a trip to Disney World mine would always be the same. I wished for my father to stop drinking. It kills me that I wasted so many wishes on him.

My mom and I drove down the interstate on the way to the emergency wing at UAB. Sadly, I was not surprised this happened, I figured with time it was inevitable that my dad would get into an accident from drunk driving. We parked in the emergence section of the parking garage and walked down the halls of the hospital. People working at the desk were staring at me with puzzled looks on their face. I never understood why. I would think they would be use to people walking through the doors crying looking for their hurt loved ones. Eventually we found where we are supposed to go and then proceed to sit in the waiting room for hours. The nurses really did not tell us much. We knew he was not dead but that they were working on him. Most of our neighbors showed up. All of them sat there giving us that sad, pathetic look because they too knew something like this would happen to my dad but of course felt awful that it did. I felt so embarrassed having all my neighbors there to witness this awful even with us. I sat in silence. The show “Jackass” was playing on the television and there were young families with their children sitting around us in the waiting room. I stared at them wondering what they were here for. Did their loved one get into a car accident too? Did their child have an ear infection? It always made me curious what had happened that people were waiting in an emergency room for and at that time, I was one of those people.

We went home that night not ever getting to see my dad. I remember sitting on the bed still in a daze of fury. I honestly did not even want to go back to the hospital and face him. The next morning my mom hauled me to UAB were my dad was in intensive care. He made it out of the accident with a broken collarbone, hip, quite a few ribs and a bruised lung. I walked in his room and went straight for the coach. On the television was “Judge Judy”, a show my dad watched religiously and of which I despised. I hated being there. I was so angry I did not talk the entire time. My dad was mad and did not understand why I would not speak to him. I left without saying goodbye. Later that day my mom and I went to ProTow to get the things out of my dad’s van. As we walked towards the van I was speechless. It seemed surreal like I was in a dream. The driver’s side was completely bent in. The seat was smashed in all the way to the passenger side. I did not even understand how my dad had not shattered his whole left side of his body. We took out all the important things from the van and put it in a box that sat in our garage to mock me for the following weeks.

After only a couple of days in the ICU my dad came home. My neighbor had brought up his recliner and put it in the living room since he was not able to get in and out of a bed. I still had not gotten the courage to talk to my dad. I became a prisoner in my home as I crept quietly past him to and from my room and the kitchen. He would ask me to get him something and I felt so awkward helping my own dad. My neighbors said I should just confront him about his drinking but I was too much of a coward.

I always felt the burden to keep the secret of my father’s drinking. I was embarrassed to admit it and just like an alcoholic I denied it for years. Somehow my family moved on after my dad’s accident and things eventually got back to normal, fighting and all. I would have thought that being in a traumatic accident would awaken my dad and he would stop drinking but that never happened. During my senior year of high school I started acknowledging that my dad was an alcoholic. My friends were not surprised as they already assumed that it was true. It was liberating to not hide it anymore. The only person that I needed to stop hiding from was my dad.

Somewhere along the way, during one of our many arguments, I gained the courage that I never had. I made a statement to my dad about being an alcoholic. Usually at a high point in our argument my mom would walk away and let us fight. My dad was so outraged that he screamed in my face like a drill sergeant repeatedly to “take it back.” I of course would not and so he proceeded to yell and back me into a corner. I had never been afraid of my father but at that moment I was. For the first time in my life my mom defended me and told him to get away from me. It was nice to have my mom have my back for once. After that point there were many argument similar to that but still my father never changed. On Good Friday of 2010 my dad got arrested for drunk driving and got into a fender bender. When he called to ask my mom to bail him out of jail I was listening on the other line. I was so outraged. I unconsciously said, “How am I suppose to respect you when you are getting arrested and in jail?” Although my father is a master sergeant in the Army I have never been able to respect him and know that I never will. I understand that there are many hard things that he has been through but drinking was never the answer. I pray that he will find peace in his life and get better. I would hate for him to miss out on the future without his family there to share it with him.

hurt.

I am sorry that everything with me always leads to tears and ridiculous messages. I feel for once I have to tell the full honest truth with you instead of just being silent.

Your friends have always come first. I get that. In the summer you would ditch me to hang out with them. The same happened in the fall and again this weekend. I totally understand. Friends are important.  I just wish that once and awhile I could come first. After this summer I prayed/fantasized that one day I would be the one coming into town and you would ditch your plans to spend time with me. That never happened. It hurts loving someone so incredibly much and not having an emotions being returned. It sucked that you did not want me to come to CO. I know that you and Amanda were college sweet hearts and there is a lot of memories and love connected to her. I just wanted to have an equal opportunity. I know we have not been through much together but I am still crazy about you. Nothing will change that.

I have tried to delete your number and your messages and stop thinking about you. I have tried to get over you to stop being the one feeling unloved but I cannot.

I loved in December when we sat on that rock and you told me your feeling about me. I know that is not easy for you. It was hard to hear but also invigorating to hear someone’s love for me.

I do not know what you want. I know you might be scared. To fall in love. To break my heart. To walk away from it all. It is never easy to clip the wires or to be all in or nothing. But sometimes you have to choose.

monday night dreary.

I want peace. I want serenity.

I want someone to love me as much as I love them.

No questions.

I want to stop being concerned about the future all the time.

I want to be truly happy.

For at least a little while.

I want to work hard at something.

And actually succeed.

I am tired of being a failure.

Being someone who cares so much for another

But has nothing in return.
I am sick of waiting for my moment of happiness.

I see people with love surrounding them.

In this obnoxious sight that hit my in the heart.

Only to saying you cannot have this bliss.

No matter how bad you want it.

I am a constant misery to others and myself.  

I don’t know how to change.

I want to be a good person but constantly I feel like a fool.

I try to handle thinks on my own.

I am never competent enough to do things right.

I hate never being well enough in life.

I need more help. I cannot do this on my own.

It never gets easier.

I want something magnificence to happen to me. 
something beautiful.