hurt.

I am sorry that everything with me always leads to tears and ridiculous messages. I feel for once I have to tell the full honest truth with you instead of just being silent.

Your friends have always come first. I get that. In the summer you would ditch me to hang out with them. The same happened in the fall and again this weekend. I totally understand. Friends are important.  I just wish that once and awhile I could come first. After this summer I prayed/fantasized that one day I would be the one coming into town and you would ditch your plans to spend time with me. That never happened. It hurts loving someone so incredibly much and not having an emotions being returned. It sucked that you did not want me to come to CO. I know that you and Amanda were college sweet hearts and there is a lot of memories and love connected to her. I just wanted to have an equal opportunity. I know we have not been through much together but I am still crazy about you. Nothing will change that.

I have tried to delete your number and your messages and stop thinking about you. I have tried to get over you to stop being the one feeling unloved but I cannot.

I loved in December when we sat on that rock and you told me your feeling about me. I know that is not easy for you. It was hard to hear but also invigorating to hear someone’s love for me.

I do not know what you want. I know you might be scared. To fall in love. To break my heart. To walk away from it all. It is never easy to clip the wires or to be all in or nothing. But sometimes you have to choose.

monday night dreary.

I want peace. I want serenity.

I want someone to love me as much as I love them.

No questions.

I want to stop being concerned about the future all the time.

I want to be truly happy.

For at least a little while.

I want to work hard at something.

And actually succeed.

I am tired of being a failure.

Being someone who cares so much for another

But has nothing in return.
I am sick of waiting for my moment of happiness.

I see people with love surrounding them.

In this obnoxious sight that hit my in the heart.

Only to saying you cannot have this bliss.

No matter how bad you want it.

I am a constant misery to others and myself.  

I don’t know how to change.

I want to be a good person but constantly I feel like a fool.

I try to handle thinks on my own.

I am never competent enough to do things right.

I hate never being well enough in life.

I need more help. I cannot do this on my own.

It never gets easier.

I want something magnificence to happen to me. 
something beautiful.