time.

i remember that time that mom and i came home from dinner. you were drunk. you tried to take apart the t.v. in your boxers. eventually ending up on bed naked. mom was so sick of dealing with you. she told you to get out of the house in the morning and check yourself into a clinic. i was hiding in my bathroom. you notice me. you tell her not to say that in front of me. like i was oblivious to the situation. 

i follow mom to the kitchen. i knew she was fed up with it all. just as much as me. more even. she was broken. i had never seen her so defeated. i wrapped by arms around her. she cried into my shoulder.   

i remember the time that you were about to get another back surgery. you were nervous about another operation. you spent the night at the bar. two men followed you home and placed you on our couch. i held your arm as you stumbled down the hall. knocking into the door frame. making your way to the bathroom where you threw up. 

i remember the time when you were trying to drink Gatorade with the cap still on. probably the funniest thing but pretty pathetic. 

i remember finding the photo of me at pre-school graduation. i was crying. you were kneeled down next to me. i could see in your face you were drunk. it was never hard to tell. 

i remember the time you screamed in my face. as you backed me into a corner. the time you stumbled through the house drunk. the time you made me listen to you go on and on with the same things that you repeat all the time. 

i remember crying to GOD for help. praying that you would stop. 

i remember...

cry.

so i have not cried in a really long time. most people would assume that is a good thing. but honestly i like to cry. it is good for you. there were times when it was part of my daily routine. (i know i am nuts).

i have been thinking about this lately. and all i want is a good cry. thinking about this brings up a lot of rough memories though. so many images in my head of being curled up in the fetal position on my floor crying to GOD for help. i just wanted to pain to go away. i needed STRENGTH. i still need strength. it hurts me to think of myself that vulnerable. that low. beaten up by the world.

today i was suppose to find out if i got the residential advisor position on campus. my friend texted me to check my email. she ended up being an alternate. the whole way home i was terrified to check my email. i was praying every second that i would get it. i especially didnt want to be an alternate. that is like a guys saying i guess you are ok. maybe ill date you if there is no one else. that is worse than just not getting it. 

so i am sitting on my air mattress in my old room. nervously fiddling around avoiding checking my messages. eventually i sign in and open up the mail. i carefully read EVERY word that is in the message so i didnt make a mistake. i got the job! i had never been more excited. i started crying. i called up my mum. "i said guess what?" she kept breaking up so i called again. when i finally get her she said "you got it didnt you? i could tell something was up since you were crying." she was so excited for me. i talked about this job for so long. too long. she knew how much this meant for me. it is not just a job position. it is an opportunity. a grace of God pleasing me with something worthwhile. something that was amazing. i know she was PROUD of me. 

free fallin.

am i defined by people?

i was at starbucks tonight. indulging on a coffee and pastry like a true italian that i wish i were. sitting in the bare room on the cozy chair i got to thinking. do i let people define who i am?

at first i thought. yeah man i think i totally do. i act differently around different people. i will say or not say certain things around different groups of people. 

then on the other hand. i thought. there are so many times when i have no one. periods where i am wondering alone in this world. trying to get by. when i do not talk to a soul. who am i then? i am still me. am to my fullest potential? possible not. i am acting me though. there is no way i could not be. 

i am more vulnerable when i am alone. i am consumed only with my thoughts. my feelings. i over analyze ever possible thing. i plan my future with every detail and get so bummed when things do not turned out as planned. 

i am always setting expectations of plans. of people. i think that someone will think something regardless of proof. i plan things to go a certain way even thought i know how unrealistic it is. 

i act as though i am so carefree. but really i stress myself out planning. scheduling. i wish i could free my mind. not think so much. not care so much. 

letter.

so this is embarrassing. 

but bold. 

i'll give this to you.

then hide.

so i am also a coward. 

regardless.

i am going to regret this.

but i am doing it anyways.

i  think i like you.

i know i like you. 

i just met you.

but you consume my thoughts. 

often.

difficult since i figure.

things aren't the same for you. 

and i still have to see you.

every other day. 

plus tons of events. 

all the time. 

but i rather be honest. 

maybe i wont give this to you.

after all.