cry.

so i have not cried in a really long time. most people would assume that is a good thing. but honestly i like to cry. it is good for you. there were times when it was part of my daily routine. (i know i am nuts).

i have been thinking about this lately. and all i want is a good cry. thinking about this brings up a lot of rough memories though. so many images in my head of being curled up in the fetal position on my floor crying to GOD for help. i just wanted to pain to go away. i needed STRENGTH. i still need strength. it hurts me to think of myself that vulnerable. that low. beaten up by the world.

today i was suppose to find out if i got the residential advisor position on campus. my friend texted me to check my email. she ended up being an alternate. the whole way home i was terrified to check my email. i was praying every second that i would get it. i especially didnt want to be an alternate. that is like a guys saying i guess you are ok. maybe ill date you if there is no one else. that is worse than just not getting it. 

so i am sitting on my air mattress in my old room. nervously fiddling around avoiding checking my messages. eventually i sign in and open up the mail. i carefully read EVERY word that is in the message so i didnt make a mistake. i got the job! i had never been more excited. i started crying. i called up my mum. "i said guess what?" she kept breaking up so i called again. when i finally get her she said "you got it didnt you? i could tell something was up since you were crying." she was so excited for me. i talked about this job for so long. too long. she knew how much this meant for me. it is not just a job position. it is an opportunity. a grace of God pleasing me with something worthwhile. something that was amazing. i know she was PROUD of me.