dream.

honestly, i never use to dream about you. now that things are finally over between us. you are all i can dream about.

goal.

so today i had my first meeting for mariners. this is the hostess for the marines and navy rotc on campus. all the girls seem so sweet and down to earth. im excited because we have a team for the relay for life coming up in april. i remember going to them ever year when living in wisconsin so im happy to do it again. 

after the meeting we all went to a bbq restaurant for a fundraiser. later i was waiting in the student center for a friend when these two people came up to me. the girl commented on my headband. i thought that was the end of it but then she invited me to a bible study they were having. i thought, why not? everyone there was so nice and they had a good vibe about them. we talked about how much time we spend taking showers, getting ready, brushing our teeth. i think it is funny since i use to spend over and hour getting ready in the morning. i would straighten and/or curl my hair. put on a layer of makeup (because i was so self-conscious from all my acne). i even went to the tanning bed almost EVERY day. it was awful. nowadays i send like ten minutes getting ready. i look like crap. but i dont care anymore. 

anyways so we were talking about how we care so much about our outer appearance but we dont care as much about our inner. most of us dont focus on whats going on in our hearts. or others. i know i dont care so much about my outer appearance anymore but i still need work on my inner. i know what i want though. its just making it happen. i wish that i was more accepting of others. there are times that i find myself judging others when i really only barely know them or what they are about. i wish i knew more about the bible. i want to be closer to God. i want to pray more. thank more. appreciate more. love more. 

starting tomorrow i am going to be a healthier person. end of excuses. i have been eating so unhealthy the past week or so. i feel awful. i am going to only eat raw fruits and veggies. cereal. water. no more starbucks. no more pizza. i am writing this in this blog so that i will stick to it! 

i also am going to start not cussing. i have the worst mouth. i cant help it. i feel awful after i saw it. i dont think it is attractive. and i need to stop no because one day i want to be a teacher and i cant have this awful habit. 

i am going to pray more. appreciate more. love more. live more. i am doing this for me. i need to stop giving into temptations. i know i can do this.  i have faith.

salvation.

salvation. deliverance from sin and its consequences, believed by Christians to be sought about by faith in Christ.

so today was the best day ever. salvation army had its bag sale! yep everything that you can fit in a bad for five dollars. i woke up at 8:30 and was one of the few up right after it opened at 9. i got tons of new tshirts to trade in with my old ones. a few awesome books. a matching yellow vintage suitcase set (that was actually kept us nice and didn't smell like an old man inside). a new purse. a couple SUPER RAD sweaters (so sad it finally decided to get warm cuz now i can't really wear them). and some neat gaucho pants that i turned into a skirt. somehow all this ended up being a grand total of twelve bucks. oh yeah salvation army is the shizzz. 

now the super sad part. i had actually gone to salvation army the night before but when i heard about the five buck bag sale i decided to come back. i found this super awesome mexican fabric though so i sneakily hide it so i could get it in the morning. luckily my sly plan worked and it was still there the next day. so i was trying on my finds and i had left the fabric and my sunglasses in my cart. when i get out someone had stolen them and my cart! i deserve it for leaving my stuff but i guess i just trust people. i wouldn't think someone would really do that. in the end i did find some cool glasses there to replace them. still very bummed i missed out on the fabric though. 

in other news. i got big blue bagel. my fav! saw the unknown with my mum. shopped. shared red velvet cake and coffee. got flowers from my sweet mum. so beautiful. did the dishes. took out the trash. now blogging about it all. 

beautiful day. people. the end.   

fate.

so after a rough start to the week things eventually turned around. on wednesday my darling lab partner katherine and i got to chatting after class. she is a mission kid (i've been meeting a lot of them lately). we talked about how it's tough getting your feet wet on the plains. how tie dying is the shizz. and housing plans for next year. i can already tell she is going to be a great friend. i love that out of all the people in lab, she sat by me. 

our eao potluck was on thursday. they was lots of yummy food and great people. earthfest is coming up and i am so excited about getting started with sign and art for the show. i am glad to have such a chill group that make you feel right at home. 

friday i was waiting outside of my math class and this chick sits on the floor across from me. now this chick isn't just some random girl. she was in my cwe session and she knows the wolnski, which honestly who doesn't? anywho. i have been wanted to introduce myself to her for a while now but i feel like too much of a creeper to do that so i just put it in God's hand knowing if it is suppose to happen it will. ok. so she sits down and say "hey weren't you in that summer thing with me." now who would have thought the day after i put this all in God's hands it actually happens. so we get to class and happily it was cancelled, sadly because my teacher is sick. emily and i decide to go to starbucks and chat it up.

now knowing me i can't keep any secrets from strangers. so i spill my guts out and, OH COURSE, end up crying. poor girl probably thinks i belong in the looney bin. but there is something about it all. i know it is silly but i can tell it is fate. although i have been struggling to hang it there every day God is bringing me support. help. friendship. i am so grateful for this. i can defiantly need all of it that i can take. 

oh and we saw joseph. who i have actually never seen on campus before. crazy. AND i went to salvation army and my mum was there. i mean seriously. what are the chances of that?? 

God sure does work in mysterious ways. 

fairytale.

once upon a time there lived a little girl named perfect. she had a father named giant and a mother named chameleon. they expected nothing less then the best from her. but all in all they loved her as best they could.

one day perfect did something wrong. she felt totally, utterly ashamed. she wanted to run away and kill herself. she decided she could not kill herself because that would kill her mum. so she decided to live.

she ran deep into the forest. until she could run no more. she sat down in the grass and cried. she cried until she could cry no more. giants did not cry. giants were strong. but she was not strong. all she ever felt was weak. 

in through the forest a human being walks up to perfect. he asks what is wrong. she was ashamed of her weakened appearance and shunned away from human. she could feel her weakness and could feel a tail growing where none had been before. she noticed that she was starting to change colors. she tells human that she cannot be seen like this. human  tells perfect that she looks fine just the way she is. perfect was awestricken as she had never been told she was fine just the way she was. 

human tells perfect to look at herself in the pond. perfect is stunned to see a human in the reflection. she had always thought she was a giant. human tells perfect that the pond of clarity shows you as you are. 

~no one is perfect. we are all human. we all make mistakes. we should not be so hard on ourselves all the time. learn. live. grow. ~

shame.

i hear myself saying constantly that i am disappointed with my life. i hate the way i look. i hate what i am doing with my life. i don't have a cute loving family. i suck at school. relationship. friendships. i need to stop being disappointed and moppy and just do something about it. 

it is easy just to say this. it is another thing to accomplish it. one can't just say okay i am going to be happy tomorrow. i am going to wake up and look great. say the right thing to everyone. do the right things. feel great in my own skin and love life. 

i have to hold myself accountable for my actions. or lack of them. if i think my life sucks i need to do whatever i can to make it better. i need to take control. i want to be able to love my life and what i am doing. i want to love me and others. as karly would say no one can love you until you love yourself. kind of lame but it really is true. i just pray that i can find that love. that happiness. that bliss. i need to or else what is the point?

Attmept.

karly and i got into a discussion which brings up the question of the day: is it selfish and wrong for one to commit suicide? obviously many would simply say yes. it hurts only the friends and family of the victim. but how much hurt was the victim going through. sometimes it is hard to go through everyday hating yourself, your life, everything. there are times when one can no longer try and think positive and the pain to too much to bear. death is easy. it is a cop-out. when that pain is too much sometimes people take the easy. maybe the only road they see ahead of them. but if/when people are able to overcome that hurt and take a different road, that is triumph. one has to be able to decide overcome. to live. to love. 


as someone wise once told me that you need to take it one day at a time. decide you are going to love one thing about yourself. say you write really good 'w's  then you make those 'w's look damn good every chance you get. 


i am not a good writer and i know no one reads my blogs. but this is for me. i am going to write my heart out. this blog is my outlet. this blog is my attempt to find happiness. to find a meaning to life. to find sobriety from pain.


my second and more active attempt was for karly to do our hair big, our makeup crazy and our outfits radical. we then went out and did our own photo shoot under the cold night's sky. 


it is nice having creative outlets. it is a start at the very least. 

heartbreak warfare.

Despair: the complete loss or absence of hope.


Saturday. i was finally through waiting around for the man i love to love me back. My friends didn't need to tell me anymore times that i deserved better. i knew it myself. all i have ever wanted is to be wanted. just like the old cheesy song: i want you to want me; i need you to need me. plain and simple. 


Sunday. excited to see my dad who was in town. thought for a moment how nice it is to be on good terms with him. let myself believe this ridiculous thought. got torn down by him once again. surprised? no. leave without words. cried my way home. to sleep.


Monday. planned on acknowledging the holiday. decided against it when i woke up. looked rather rough but got through the day no harm or foul. bought chips and queso at the dinning hall. woman ran after me with a box of chocolates...guess i looked as depressed as i felt. 

Found.

I was wondering through notes that people have found on this website and I stumbled upon this one. It said in the caption underneath "I think everyone feels this way at least once in his life." So true. 

Love.

It is a warm summer day in July 2oo7. My mom and I were on our way home after a long afternoon of volunteering at the animal shelter. My mom’s phone rings as we sit at the stoplight waiting to turn. My phone rings next. It is my neighbor’s daughter, Jillian. “Did you hear the news yet?” I had no idea what she was talking about. I realized then that my mom was on the phone with her mom. Jillian hesitates. “I will let your mom tell you,” she says. My heart starts to race and my palms begin to sweat like before getting a shot. I know something is very wrong. I begin to panic and ask Jillian to just tell me what is going on. I look at my mom. “You have got to be kidding me,” she says into the phone. She looks at me and tells me my dad has been in an accident. We turn the car around. Ironically it happened a block away from the interstate exit we just got off at. No wonder traffic was so bad. As we drive in silence down the road I begin to see the flashing lights and the stopped traffic. My dad’s van comes in clear view. The driver’s side completely crashed in. It was t-boned around a telephone pole. My mom rushes out of the car and across the street to the ambulances. I stand there outside of the car staring, baffled at the scene in front of me. It was like watching a scene from a movie. I was speechless, stuck in my tracks unable to move or think. I watched as cars drove past the wreck, pass me. I stared at the people in those cars thinking about how I too was just like them, going through my day nothing out of the ordinary. Now here I am.

My father and I have never been close. Both my parents are in the Army and when I was young my dad would frequently be away on business, so often that I did not recognize him when he returned. Naturally I gravitated toward my mom and to this day it is still that way. As I grew up I watched as the bottles of beer and boxes of wine disappeared from the refrigerator. Children are observant and I knew that my dad drank but I never labeled him as an alcoholic. My parents never fought or hit each other so I did not think anything was really wrong. My mom and I would have little jokes or comments about my dad when he was drunk like on television shows when someone would pretend to hold a glass and drink from it. As awful as it is to admit we would say “cha ching” referencing to if he dies from all his drinking we would get a lot of money from insurance. I have always hated not having people understand what it is like not having any respect for my dad who is suppose to be my role model. I was sick of making excuses for myself. While other kids were making wishes on their birthdays for ponies and a trip to Disney World mine would always be the same. I wished for my father to stop drinking. It kills me that I wasted so many wishes on him.

My mom and I drove down the interstate on the way to the emergency wing at UAB. Sadly, I was not surprised this happened, I figured with time it was inevitable that my dad would get into an accident from drunk driving. We parked in the emergence section of the parking garage and walked down the halls of the hospital. People working at the desk were staring at me with puzzled looks on their face. I never understood why. I would think they would be use to people walking through the doors crying looking for their hurt loved ones. Eventually we found where we are supposed to go and then proceed to sit in the waiting room for hours. The nurses really did not tell us much. We knew he was not dead but that they were working on him. Most of our neighbors showed up. All of them sat there giving us that sad, pathetic look because they too knew something like this would happen to my dad but of course felt awful that it did. I felt so embarrassed having all my neighbors there to witness this awful even with us. I sat in silence. The show “Jackass” was playing on the television and there were young families with their children sitting around us in the waiting room. I stared at them wondering what they were here for. Did their loved one get into a car accident too? Did their child have an ear infection? It always made me curious what had happened that people were waiting in an emergency room for and at that time, I was one of those people.

We went home that night not ever getting to see my dad. I remember sitting on the bed still in a daze of fury. I honestly did not even want to go back to the hospital and face him. The next morning my mom hauled me to UAB were my dad was in intensive care. He made it out of the accident with a broken collarbone, hip, quite a few ribs and a bruised lung. I walked in his room and went straight for the coach. On the television was “Judge Judy”, a show my dad watched religiously and of which I despised. I hated being there. I was so angry I did not talk the entire time. My dad was mad and did not understand why I would not speak to him. I left without saying goodbye. Later that day my mom and I went to ProTow to get the things out of my dad’s van. As we walked towards the van I was speechless. It seemed surreal like I was in a dream. The driver’s side was completely bent in. The seat was smashed in all the way to the passenger side. I did not even understand how my dad had not shattered his whole left side of his body. We took out all the important things from the van and put it in a box that sat in our garage to mock me for the following weeks.

After only a couple of days in the ICU my dad came home. My neighbor had brought up his recliner and put it in the living room since he was not able to get in and out of a bed. I still had not gotten the courage to talk to my dad. I became a prisoner in my home as I crept quietly past him to and from my room and the kitchen. He would ask me to get him something and I felt so awkward helping my own dad. My neighbors said I should just confront him about his drinking but I was too much of a coward.

I always felt the burden to keep the secret of my father’s drinking. I was embarrassed to admit it and just like an alcoholic I denied it for years. Somehow my family moved on after my dad’s accident and things eventually got back to normal, fighting and all. I would have thought that being in a traumatic accident would awaken my dad and he would stop drinking but that never happened. During my senior year of high school I started acknowledging that my dad was an alcoholic. My friends were not surprised as they already assumed that it was true. It was liberating to not hide it anymore. The only person that I needed to stop hiding from was my dad.

Somewhere along the way, during one of our many arguments, I gained the courage that I never had. I made a statement to my dad about being an alcoholic. Usually at a high point in our argument my mom would walk away and let us fight. My dad was so outraged that he screamed in my face like a drill sergeant repeatedly to “take it back.” I of course would not and so he proceeded to yell and back me into a corner. I had never been afraid of my father but at that moment I was. For the first time in my life my mom defended me and told him to get away from me. It was nice to have my mom have my back for once. After that point there were many argument similar to that but still my father never changed. On Good Friday of 2010 my dad got arrested for drunk driving and got into a fender bender. When he called to ask my mom to bail him out of jail I was listening on the other line. I was so outraged. I unconsciously said, “How am I suppose to respect you when you are getting arrested and in jail?” Although my father is a master sergeant in the Army I have never been able to respect him and know that I never will. I understand that there are many hard things that he has been through but drinking was never the answer. I pray that he will find peace in his life and get better. I would hate for him to miss out on the future without his family there to share it with him.