Fight or Flight?

Dan is in town for the next couple of days. I figured he wouldn't even initiate trying to see me. Over Thanksgiving he actually did mention wanting to get together. That was unexpected. 

I figured he would say this and knowing Dan he would blow me off every chance he had while in town. 

I wasn't going to contact him, I was waiting for him to make the initial move. Juvenile I know. He texted me last night asking to meet up at our usual place tonight. I complied. Tonight when I asked when he wanted to meet up he said he was downtown with some friends and would probably stay the night. 

I am an understanding person so I totally get him wanting to hang out with his friends, but am I at all surprised this happened? Of course not. Not like this hasn't happened numerous times before or anything.

I thought of the idea that when in a situation one either fights or flights. With me and Dan, I fight for what I want, him, while he flights, all the time. 

Five Stages of Grief.

1. Denial


2. Anger


3. Bargaining


4. Depression


5. Acceptance

Restless.

There is this kind of songbird that thinks it dies every time the sun goes down. In the morning it is totally shocked to still be alive, it sings this really beautiful song. 


I've sung every morning since I've met you. 

Emptiness.

I feel nothing.

I have to feel nothing or I would feel too much.

I would hurt too much.

I can no longer wait.

I will never come first.

I cannot allow my thoughts to be consumed about you.

I cannot fall apart.

I have to stay together.

I miss you more than you will know.

I miss you more than I will know.

I feel the emptiness in my heart.

life is hard. death is easy.

Yesterday was the first anniversary of my uncle's death. 

I remember the day so vividly. 

That day I went home from classes to change for work. I heard my father on the phone in the basement talking to Suzzie my uncle's manager. He said he hadn't bean able to get into contact with him in awhile and that he had left a strange voice mail on his phone. 

I went to work that night worrying. I called my mom on the break but she hadn't hear of anything I was talking about. For some reason though, I knew my uncle was dead. 

Once I got home that night my parents were sitting on the couch and told me to come over. I knew what was happening. Tears started falling down my face immediately. Sitting in-between parents, I felt so sad for my dad since it was his brother he just lost. My father put his arm around me and held my hand. It was the most surreal thing to ever happen to me. 

Soon enough the police came to our door to make sure that we had gotten the message. I stood there in the hallway staring blankly at the officers. 

Lawrence Van Dyke was my uncle's name. I called him Uncle Larry. He was a sweet man. He hadn't paid his taxes in years and owed a lot of money. He was also having heart problems. 

He didn't want to have a hear attact and hurt someone while he was driving.

It saddens me to think that my Uncle Larry couldn't come to his family for help and instead he took the easy way out by taking his life.

We go to Bonefish and get Bang Bang shrimp in your honor Uncle Larry. We love and miss you dearly.