easter. im sitting in a new church. listening to the music. trying to feel something. trying to connect. to love. to devote. we watch testimonials from people who where troubled and found God. a man talks about how he was done trying. done living. something had died in him and he couldn't go on anymore. tears well up in my eyes. he said he had written his letters. he was on his way to commit suicide when a traffic cop directed him into the parking lot of Church of the Highlands. he went in and found the support he needed. and decided to start living again.
lost. i ride my bike aimlessly through auburn in the night wondering what i am doing with me life. so confused. so lost. i sit on a bench, looking up at the stars pondering my purpose in life. i walk down the halls with tunnel vision. not noticing a thing around me. i cry myself to sleep wishing someone, something would save me.
fill. i have never in my life felt good enough. i have never accomplished anything great. i honestly i am just so disappointed with myself. with my life. i am getting uglier every day. i am not doing as well in college as i did in high school. i have hardly any friends that care about me in the least bit. there is no guy that would look twice at me. im worthless. im unfulfilled. i want to mean something. i want to make a difference. i want people to miss me when i am not there. i want to love myself. to find my place.
end.
I sat here reading your words, and tears filled my eyes. I've been in your shoes, I know exactly how you feel.
ReplyDeleteI know that it seems as though things will never get better, but I swear they will. The shitty part is that they will get worse before they get better. You will hit rock bottom, and feel like things are over. Like they're never going to get better. But then, right as you start to lose your grip on everything, there's a slight shift. A tiny beam of light. And that's when you'll see it.
Everyone has a purpose in life, and even if it feels as though you aren't making a difference, you are. One day you will realize that you having made a huge imprint somewhere in this world. God never gives us anything we can't handle. We face trials and hard times, but that's when we have to hold our head up and push back. You can do this, I have faith in you even if we've never met. You are beautiful m'dear. It will just take some time for you to see it. Never give up.