letter.

so this is embarrassing. 

but bold. 

i'll give this to you.

then hide.

so i am also a coward. 

regardless.

i am going to regret this.

but i am doing it anyways.

i  think i like you.

i know i like you. 

i just met you.

but you consume my thoughts. 

often.

difficult since i figure.

things aren't the same for you. 

and i still have to see you.

every other day. 

plus tons of events. 

all the time. 

but i rather be honest. 

maybe i wont give this to you.

after all. 

dream.

honestly, i never use to dream about you. now that things are finally over between us. you are all i can dream about.

goal.

so today i had my first meeting for mariners. this is the hostess for the marines and navy rotc on campus. all the girls seem so sweet and down to earth. im excited because we have a team for the relay for life coming up in april. i remember going to them ever year when living in wisconsin so im happy to do it again. 

after the meeting we all went to a bbq restaurant for a fundraiser. later i was waiting in the student center for a friend when these two people came up to me. the girl commented on my headband. i thought that was the end of it but then she invited me to a bible study they were having. i thought, why not? everyone there was so nice and they had a good vibe about them. we talked about how much time we spend taking showers, getting ready, brushing our teeth. i think it is funny since i use to spend over and hour getting ready in the morning. i would straighten and/or curl my hair. put on a layer of makeup (because i was so self-conscious from all my acne). i even went to the tanning bed almost EVERY day. it was awful. nowadays i send like ten minutes getting ready. i look like crap. but i dont care anymore. 

anyways so we were talking about how we care so much about our outer appearance but we dont care as much about our inner. most of us dont focus on whats going on in our hearts. or others. i know i dont care so much about my outer appearance anymore but i still need work on my inner. i know what i want though. its just making it happen. i wish that i was more accepting of others. there are times that i find myself judging others when i really only barely know them or what they are about. i wish i knew more about the bible. i want to be closer to God. i want to pray more. thank more. appreciate more. love more. 

starting tomorrow i am going to be a healthier person. end of excuses. i have been eating so unhealthy the past week or so. i feel awful. i am going to only eat raw fruits and veggies. cereal. water. no more starbucks. no more pizza. i am writing this in this blog so that i will stick to it! 

i also am going to start not cussing. i have the worst mouth. i cant help it. i feel awful after i saw it. i dont think it is attractive. and i need to stop no because one day i want to be a teacher and i cant have this awful habit. 

i am going to pray more. appreciate more. love more. live more. i am doing this for me. i need to stop giving into temptations. i know i can do this.  i have faith.

salvation.

salvation. deliverance from sin and its consequences, believed by Christians to be sought about by faith in Christ.

so today was the best day ever. salvation army had its bag sale! yep everything that you can fit in a bad for five dollars. i woke up at 8:30 and was one of the few up right after it opened at 9. i got tons of new tshirts to trade in with my old ones. a few awesome books. a matching yellow vintage suitcase set (that was actually kept us nice and didn't smell like an old man inside). a new purse. a couple SUPER RAD sweaters (so sad it finally decided to get warm cuz now i can't really wear them). and some neat gaucho pants that i turned into a skirt. somehow all this ended up being a grand total of twelve bucks. oh yeah salvation army is the shizzz. 

now the super sad part. i had actually gone to salvation army the night before but when i heard about the five buck bag sale i decided to come back. i found this super awesome mexican fabric though so i sneakily hide it so i could get it in the morning. luckily my sly plan worked and it was still there the next day. so i was trying on my finds and i had left the fabric and my sunglasses in my cart. when i get out someone had stolen them and my cart! i deserve it for leaving my stuff but i guess i just trust people. i wouldn't think someone would really do that. in the end i did find some cool glasses there to replace them. still very bummed i missed out on the fabric though. 

in other news. i got big blue bagel. my fav! saw the unknown with my mum. shopped. shared red velvet cake and coffee. got flowers from my sweet mum. so beautiful. did the dishes. took out the trash. now blogging about it all. 

beautiful day. people. the end.   

fate.

so after a rough start to the week things eventually turned around. on wednesday my darling lab partner katherine and i got to chatting after class. she is a mission kid (i've been meeting a lot of them lately). we talked about how it's tough getting your feet wet on the plains. how tie dying is the shizz. and housing plans for next year. i can already tell she is going to be a great friend. i love that out of all the people in lab, she sat by me. 

our eao potluck was on thursday. they was lots of yummy food and great people. earthfest is coming up and i am so excited about getting started with sign and art for the show. i am glad to have such a chill group that make you feel right at home. 

friday i was waiting outside of my math class and this chick sits on the floor across from me. now this chick isn't just some random girl. she was in my cwe session and she knows the wolnski, which honestly who doesn't? anywho. i have been wanted to introduce myself to her for a while now but i feel like too much of a creeper to do that so i just put it in God's hand knowing if it is suppose to happen it will. ok. so she sits down and say "hey weren't you in that summer thing with me." now who would have thought the day after i put this all in God's hands it actually happens. so we get to class and happily it was cancelled, sadly because my teacher is sick. emily and i decide to go to starbucks and chat it up.

now knowing me i can't keep any secrets from strangers. so i spill my guts out and, OH COURSE, end up crying. poor girl probably thinks i belong in the looney bin. but there is something about it all. i know it is silly but i can tell it is fate. although i have been struggling to hang it there every day God is bringing me support. help. friendship. i am so grateful for this. i can defiantly need all of it that i can take. 

oh and we saw joseph. who i have actually never seen on campus before. crazy. AND i went to salvation army and my mum was there. i mean seriously. what are the chances of that?? 

God sure does work in mysterious ways. 

fairytale.

once upon a time there lived a little girl named perfect. she had a father named giant and a mother named chameleon. they expected nothing less then the best from her. but all in all they loved her as best they could.

one day perfect did something wrong. she felt totally, utterly ashamed. she wanted to run away and kill herself. she decided she could not kill herself because that would kill her mum. so she decided to live.

she ran deep into the forest. until she could run no more. she sat down in the grass and cried. she cried until she could cry no more. giants did not cry. giants were strong. but she was not strong. all she ever felt was weak. 

in through the forest a human being walks up to perfect. he asks what is wrong. she was ashamed of her weakened appearance and shunned away from human. she could feel her weakness and could feel a tail growing where none had been before. she noticed that she was starting to change colors. she tells human that she cannot be seen like this. human  tells perfect that she looks fine just the way she is. perfect was awestricken as she had never been told she was fine just the way she was. 

human tells perfect to look at herself in the pond. perfect is stunned to see a human in the reflection. she had always thought she was a giant. human tells perfect that the pond of clarity shows you as you are. 

~no one is perfect. we are all human. we all make mistakes. we should not be so hard on ourselves all the time. learn. live. grow. ~

shame.

i hear myself saying constantly that i am disappointed with my life. i hate the way i look. i hate what i am doing with my life. i don't have a cute loving family. i suck at school. relationship. friendships. i need to stop being disappointed and moppy and just do something about it. 

it is easy just to say this. it is another thing to accomplish it. one can't just say okay i am going to be happy tomorrow. i am going to wake up and look great. say the right thing to everyone. do the right things. feel great in my own skin and love life. 

i have to hold myself accountable for my actions. or lack of them. if i think my life sucks i need to do whatever i can to make it better. i need to take control. i want to be able to love my life and what i am doing. i want to love me and others. as karly would say no one can love you until you love yourself. kind of lame but it really is true. i just pray that i can find that love. that happiness. that bliss. i need to or else what is the point?