future.

I am really worried about my decisions right now. i feel like i am always making the wrong choices. i don't remember the last time i have ever made a right choice. last october i was a newbie in the college world and i wasn't sure what i was doing. i knew that i wouldn't be able to continue in the college of math and science so i somehow landed on the idea of education. even still i was restless and wanted to transfer out of state. there were many places i looked at from california, washington, boston, and new york. i finally realized that 


(This was written on May 24, 2011. i don't know exactly what it is that i realized at that point in life. that i was a failure? that i had no hope? whatever it was it doesn't matter because the Lord knew and boy did he have big plans for me) 

beginning to an end.

easter. im sitting in a new church. listening to the music. trying to feel something. trying to connect. to love. to devote. we watch testimonials from people who where troubled and found God. a man talks about how he was done trying. done living. something had died in him and he couldn't go on anymore. tears well up in my eyes. he said he had written his letters. he was on his way to commit suicide when a traffic cop directed him into the parking lot of Church of the Highlands. he went in and found the support he needed. and decided to start living again. 


lost. i ride my bike aimlessly through auburn in the night wondering what i am doing with me life. so confused. so lost. i sit on a bench, looking up at the stars pondering my purpose in life. i walk down the halls with tunnel vision. not noticing a thing around me. i cry myself to sleep wishing someone, something would save me. 


fill. i have never in my life felt good enough. i have never accomplished anything great. i honestly i am just so disappointed with myself. with my life. i am getting uglier every day. i am not doing as well in college as i did in high school. i have hardly any friends that care about me in the least bit. there is no guy that would look twice at me. im worthless. im unfulfilled. i want to mean something. i want to make a difference. i want people to miss me when i am not there. i want to love myself. to find my place. 


end.

earth day. birthday.

yes. today is EARTH day plus my BIRTH day. that's right i am one year older. 19 to be exact. i anticipate my birthday all year round. i get so pumped. im making countdown calendars and thinking about what kind of cake i want. 

sadly i am always disappointed though. i unrealistically expecting so much out of the day. like everything going smoothly. people remembering and wishing me a good day. 

a lot of people dont really care about their birthday, which i can never understand. who wouldnt want to celebrate the day they came onto this earth and started living. its funny i just realized i can to this earth and started living on earth day. crazy. 

so yes this year i was planning on finally visiting my good friend in ttown who i have meaning to visit all year. then on the way i was going to visit my bestie back home and see my dad on the way back to school. then oh course everyone went home for the Easter holiday so nothing was going on in ttown and my lover back home was grounded. then i realized i really did not want to spend tons of money on gas and drive three hours on my bday for it not turning out so great. so i decide not to go. i was glad to know though that the friend here would be in town and i can spend my day with her before she moves back home. come to find out she is leaving friday morning for the whole weekend. cool.

wake up this morning. feeling a little gloomy. my bestie here comes in my room and asks to use my phone. doesnt even say happy birthday to me. nothing at all. out of all people i thought she would say something.

go to take a math test. my beautiful friend had brought me a pastry from starbucks and the sweetest card. i couldnt believe it. i was so happy. plus i got a few texts throughout the day from people wishing me happy birthday. even people i would never think would remember. makes my heart warm that they thought about me. i think in life that is all i really want. to be thought of. to be accepted. loved. cherished. 

things might have not turned out the way i planned. but i got to spend a great day with my mom and i realized how many people care enough to wish me a good day. and there is nothing better than that. i couldnt be more grateful for them.

storm.

oh how i love big thunderstorms

the whole sky lights up for a few moments

the rain sprinkles and taps upon my window

the wind whooshes and howls

the thunder pierces through me heart

thunderstorms always remind me of being a child

summer nights when heat lightning struck

and cracked through the sky

my uncle larry was over, we sat in lawn chairs

with the garage door wide open

the sky, our movie screen

counting the seconds the bullets lit up the sky 

to tell how far away they were from us

summer days  

all alone

rain pouring down

windows wide open

humidity in the air

still, calm

the rain makes most people sad, dreary, tired 

it is beautiful to me

like angels crying, the world is cleansed

i feel the droplet of water, falling on my skin 

 i stand, head tilted upward, arms outstretched

rejuvenating, majestic, spiritual, lovely

time.

i remember that time that mom and i came home from dinner. you were drunk. you tried to take apart the t.v. in your boxers. eventually ending up on bed naked. mom was so sick of dealing with you. she told you to get out of the house in the morning and check yourself into a clinic. i was hiding in my bathroom. you notice me. you tell her not to say that in front of me. like i was oblivious to the situation. 

i follow mom to the kitchen. i knew she was fed up with it all. just as much as me. more even. she was broken. i had never seen her so defeated. i wrapped by arms around her. she cried into my shoulder.   

i remember the time that you were about to get another back surgery. you were nervous about another operation. you spent the night at the bar. two men followed you home and placed you on our couch. i held your arm as you stumbled down the hall. knocking into the door frame. making your way to the bathroom where you threw up. 

i remember the time when you were trying to drink Gatorade with the cap still on. probably the funniest thing but pretty pathetic. 

i remember finding the photo of me at pre-school graduation. i was crying. you were kneeled down next to me. i could see in your face you were drunk. it was never hard to tell. 

i remember the time you screamed in my face. as you backed me into a corner. the time you stumbled through the house drunk. the time you made me listen to you go on and on with the same things that you repeat all the time. 

i remember crying to GOD for help. praying that you would stop. 

i remember...

cry.

so i have not cried in a really long time. most people would assume that is a good thing. but honestly i like to cry. it is good for you. there were times when it was part of my daily routine. (i know i am nuts).

i have been thinking about this lately. and all i want is a good cry. thinking about this brings up a lot of rough memories though. so many images in my head of being curled up in the fetal position on my floor crying to GOD for help. i just wanted to pain to go away. i needed STRENGTH. i still need strength. it hurts me to think of myself that vulnerable. that low. beaten up by the world.

today i was suppose to find out if i got the residential advisor position on campus. my friend texted me to check my email. she ended up being an alternate. the whole way home i was terrified to check my email. i was praying every second that i would get it. i especially didnt want to be an alternate. that is like a guys saying i guess you are ok. maybe ill date you if there is no one else. that is worse than just not getting it. 

so i am sitting on my air mattress in my old room. nervously fiddling around avoiding checking my messages. eventually i sign in and open up the mail. i carefully read EVERY word that is in the message so i didnt make a mistake. i got the job! i had never been more excited. i started crying. i called up my mum. "i said guess what?" she kept breaking up so i called again. when i finally get her she said "you got it didnt you? i could tell something was up since you were crying." she was so excited for me. i talked about this job for so long. too long. she knew how much this meant for me. it is not just a job position. it is an opportunity. a grace of God pleasing me with something worthwhile. something that was amazing. i know she was PROUD of me. 

free fallin.

am i defined by people?

i was at starbucks tonight. indulging on a coffee and pastry like a true italian that i wish i were. sitting in the bare room on the cozy chair i got to thinking. do i let people define who i am?

at first i thought. yeah man i think i totally do. i act differently around different people. i will say or not say certain things around different groups of people. 

then on the other hand. i thought. there are so many times when i have no one. periods where i am wondering alone in this world. trying to get by. when i do not talk to a soul. who am i then? i am still me. am to my fullest potential? possible not. i am acting me though. there is no way i could not be. 

i am more vulnerable when i am alone. i am consumed only with my thoughts. my feelings. i over analyze ever possible thing. i plan my future with every detail and get so bummed when things do not turned out as planned. 

i am always setting expectations of plans. of people. i think that someone will think something regardless of proof. i plan things to go a certain way even thought i know how unrealistic it is. 

i act as though i am so carefree. but really i stress myself out planning. scheduling. i wish i could free my mind. not think so much. not care so much.